funcollapse

funcollapse:

Jesus Christ // Brand New

"Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again, so what did you do those three days you were dead? ‘Cause this problem’s gonna last more than the weekend. Well, Jesus Christ, I’m not scared to die, I’m a little bit scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot? Do I float through the ceiling? Do I divide and fall apart? ‘Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark, and the ship went down in sight of land, and at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?"

My life at this moment.

I just want to move son to my bed so he can be close to me, but he’s getting older now and I would surely wake him up and I can’t do this every time we get in a fight. I can only imagine how horrific his teenage years will get and how often we will fight, and this is not a habit I should start at eight years old.

  • Boy that I smelled like: Do you want me to come over?
  • Me: No, not tonight.
  • BtIsl: Oh, okay.
  • Me: Don't take it personally, as I don't have the energy to explain how weird I can be and it would take about two hours of backstory even begin to understand this, but I do not want to fall in love with you very hard, and I don't want to love so soon after. And I definitely don't want to fall.
  • BtIsl: You are the most frustratingly complicated individual in this world.
  • Me: That's funny, because I use those exact words to describe myself on a daily fucking basis. Goodnight.
nestorarnel
stumblingintolove:


In this African tribe, when someone does something harmful, they take the person to the center of the village where the whole tribe comes and surrounds them.  For two days, they will say to the man all the good things that he has done. The tribe believes that each human being comes into the world as a good. Each one of us only desiring safety, love, peace and happiness.  But sometimes, in the pursuit of these things, people make mistakes. The community sees those mistakes as a cry for help. They unite then to lift him, to reconnect him with his true nature, to remind him who he really is, until he fully remembers the truth of which he had been temporarily disconnected: “I am good.” Shikoba Nabajyotisaikia! NABAJYOTISAIKIA, is a compliment used in South Africa and means: “I respect you, I cherish you. You matter to me.” In response, people say SHIKOBA, which is: “So, I exist for you.”

THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL

stumblingintolove:

In this African tribe, when someone does something harmful, they take the person to the center of the village where the whole tribe comes and surrounds them.

For two days, they will say to the man all the good things that he has done.

The tribe believes that each human being comes into the world as a good. Each one of us only desiring safety, love, peace and happiness.

But sometimes, in the pursuit of these things, people make mistakes.

The community sees those mistakes as a cry for help.

They unite then to lift him, to reconnect him with his true nature, to remind him who he really is, until he fully remembers the truth of which he had been temporarily disconnected: “I am good.”

Shikoba Nabajyotisaikia!

NABAJYOTISAIKIA, is a compliment used in South Africa and means: “I respect you, I cherish you. You matter to me.” In response, people say SHIKOBA, which is: “So, I exist for you.”

THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL

benzman1995

Things To Remember

wittyandcharming:

  • Don’t be angry at yourself when anxiety/depression flares up. It isn’t your fault and no one blames you and if they do they’re pieces of shit.
  • Don’t orbit around your perceived value so much. You’re not the sum total of what you produce.
  • Don’t let yourself wonder why people love you. That’s not how it works. There are not stark, individual reasons that a person can enumerate about why they love you. It’s the entire, unique combination of what and who you are.

It’s just really hard because I don’t want to feel this way, and I feel like buried deep inside my mind I have no reason to be so sad, but it’s so fucking exhausting wading through the sadness continually to remind myself that I am okay, that this is just a severe chemical imbalance, and that I can make it through this.

And the worst is when people tell me it’s not real, because it is real. 

Triggering words in a Youtube video that just hit me really fucking hard.

"You’re not asking to be raped if you’re a slut."

Rearrange those words, and you have the worst sentence ever fucking said to me. 

Son and I got into a really big, frustrating argument today over whether or not he could spend the weekend at my parent’s house. I know things are getting better with my parents— albeit very slowly, but a very selfish part of me doesn’t want him to be around him. And I know he loves being around his aunts and uncle— whom I miss so much that my chest aches when I remember how close we once were— and my parents have a house that is wonderful for an eight-almost nine- year old boy. I get it. 

But I am afraid that the more time he spends with them, the more he will realize that I am not all here. That I have done bad things. That I am not who he thinks I am. That I’m not all that great. That I have been a terrible son. That I haven’t been there for my siblings. 

I’m afraid he will spend time with them and see me as they see me.

And I’m afraid he will find out about my twin, and I will have to tell the real story to him, because I cannot bear to lie to him, despite the innocence he holds in his eyes.

I am watching Cops, and it brings the weirdest feelings in the world.

I am not writing— no surprise.

I want to cry, but this medicine won’t let me, and I don’t have a reason to cry.

I am nauseous, so fucking nauseous. 

I am in desperate need of a routine and space.

I am on day three of this semester.

to-live-beyond
adenosinetriesphosphate:

Aftermath of a Code Crimson at my hospital the other night. My friend works in the ER and took this photo and sent me the following:
      “Car rolled three times, became on fire. Transported to us for intubation then supposed to be transferred to ________ [higher acuity hospital omitted for HIPPA reasons] but then she coded. She was a mess. Blood everywhere. Bones sticking out of the skin. Adipose tissue out. Depressed frontal skull fracture. Mid forties. She died.”
The aftermath of a life not saved.

adenosinetriesphosphate:

Aftermath of a Code Crimson at my hospital the other night. My friend works in the ER and took this photo and sent me the following:

      “Car rolled three times, became on fire. Transported to us for intubation then supposed to be transferred to ________ [higher acuity hospital omitted for HIPPA reasons] but then she coded. She was a mess. Blood everywhere. Bones sticking out of the skin. Adipose tissue out. Depressed frontal skull fracture. Mid forties. She died.”

The aftermath of a life not saved.

If I wasn’t on sleeping medication, I wouldn’t be doing this.

Rule 1: Always post rules
Rule 2: Answer the questions from the person who tagged you asked, and write 11 new ones
Rule 3: Tag 11 people and link them to the post I’ll tag whoever I want.
Rule 4: actually tell them you tagged them

1: What is your biggest fear?

My biggest fear is not being a good father and losing someone else close to me to suicide, including myself.

2: Your greatest accomplishment in life, so far?

My son. My ex, Brit. Despite my inability to publish and go through with offers and contracts, I would say my ability to right. Getting clean for three years plus more, despite my recent relapse, has been my greatest accomplishment. I’m not dead. I haven’t killed myself.

3: Goals for the next 5 years?

Stay clean, be a good dad, finish my masters, get into a good PhD program.

4: Dream job?

Being a professor in rape culture or sexuality, as well as sex and the sexy double-standard and fetishization of women who are overweight. Running my own youth clinic and shelter based around LGBTQ+ issues, identity issues, and substance abuse.

5: Person you would do anything for, no questions asked?

My son. My, ouch not mine, Brit. My sisters and brother.


6: Favorite color?

Grey. Purple. Blue.


7: Favorite animal?

Lizards.


8: First love’s name?

Zoe.


9: Any piercings/tattoos, if yes, which are your favorites? If no, reason?

A tattoo on my back that I cherish. And regret a bit.


10: Best genre of music?

Slow, light, sad music.


11: Facebook or Tumblr?

Tumblr, obviously. I don’t do Facebook.

I tag manicsuccessive michaelsbowen fluffytrollprincess moviecrush greyguy onesaturdaymorning roecean korion314 to-live-beyond aglimpseofcolor phambamiam nestorarnel

To do these ~deep~ questions.

  1. What do you think has been the most life-changing moment of your life?
  2. Have you ever been in a position where there were two forks in the road, and you had to choose a path?
  3. What is your favorite movie, and why is it your favorite movie?
  4. What has been the low point of the past six months of your life?
  5. What has been the high point of the past six months of your life?
  6. Do you believe that they majority (more than 60%) of police and law enforcement officers are bad and abuse their power or do you think the majority of policies and policymakers are bad?
  7. Do you consider yourself to be a feminist?
  8. What is your sexuality?
  9. What was the last thing you wrote?
  10. Copy and paste. Leave it here.
  11. Who do you miss the most in your entire life that is still alive? 

Oh, and I was tagged by the lovely trulyuntamed